FROM NOW ON, I'M SHOPPING ONLINE

I went on a much needed clothes shopping trip this past week. My husband even came along for the ride (The deals this guy finds are unbelievable. I attribute it to the fact that he only has sisters. So, thanks ladies!). Anyway, we had a good time and I found some cute new clothes. But, along the way, we had a kind of funny experience while trying to find a Great pair of jeans. I won't mention the name of the store because it is a store I love and I plan to continue shopping there, even though this one experience was so annoying.

Anyway, I had my arms full of clothes to try on, including a few pairs of jeans. After a few that definitely didn't work, I put on a pair that I liked, but wasn't sure if they were Great or not. So, I came out of the dressing room to get Brian's opinion. The sales lady happened to be walking by and stopped to see if I had any questions. I said no. She looked me up and down and told me to turn around. I did and she gave me the once over, wrinkled her nose, and (I kid you not) said, "Ew."

Awkward pause.......

She continued, "I'm going to tell you something you really don't want to hear."

I tentatively responded, "Um.....okay."

The sales lady then tells me something she actually believes I don't already know, "You have absolutely no butt."

As a side note: I am in my 30s and have 3 kids and I thought having no butt at this stage in my life was a pretty remarkable accomplishment. Apparently, in the world of Denim Retail, it is actually a fate worse than death.

So, the sales lady tells me that the style of jeans I was trying on were not right for my body type (because they were made for women with curves) and she had a different style elsewhere in the store that would be perfect for someone like me who, from the looks of things, is built more like a ten year old boy. She is oh, so helpful and goes off to get me the right kind.

The whole time she was gone, I kept thinking "Please don't bring me skinny jeans" over and over. Because there are few articles of clothing I hate more than skinny jeans. They really only work for about 1% of the population which means that 99% of the people wearing them, shouldn't be. (By the way, if you have given birth and/or have a high school diploma, you are NOT part of that 1%. Step away from the skinny jeans....)

Thankfully, she brought me fairly normal looking jeans, although I didn't like the style as much as the ones I had already tried on. Now, here's the part where I got annoyed (I know! Can you believe I wasn't annoyed already?! Embarrassed, but not annoyed.) I looked at the price tag and the ONLY jeans in the WHOLE store that would fit my freakish, butt-less body were more than TWICE THE PRICE OF ALL THE OTHER JEANS!

Now, I feel like I'm totally being taken. But, I tried on several of the jeans she brought me (all told, I tried on 13 pairs while in that store) and she kept telling me that they were too big. Finally, she brings me a pair that I practically need a shoe-horn to get into. I could barely button them, I could barely breathe once they were buttoned, and I could barely sit down. I opened the dressing room door and this crazy lady smiled and said, "PERFECT! FINALLY!"

I told her that I couldn't breathe or sit down and she said, "Oh, don't worry, they stretch."

I asked her if they would shrink when I washed them and she said No. Now I know she is lying because I have never in my life met a pair of jeans that didn't shrink at least a little bit.

I said, "They are really, really uncomfortable." (I swear, I could not even pinch the fabric around my thighs. I was dying in these things.) Her response? "But they look so good!"

I said, "You know what? I have three kids. My days of wearing skin tight jeans are OVER."

She sighed and walked away.

I did not buy any jeans that day.

**Just a warning to some of you who may comment (and you know who you are), if there is one single reference made about my "chicken legs," you can consider yourself banned from this blog for life.**